authentic stories · on marriage

The Scandal Of Grace {The Affair}

winter-city-lights

It was just six days before Christmas.

To everyone on the outside, our lives probably seemed sickeningly close to perfect. But what no one knew is that on this particular night, I found myself sitting alone in my car in the driveway of our home all brightly lit up for the season. What I or anyone else could have have seen with our eyes that night was lovely. But it was what was on the inside that was truly the most beautiful of all. I sat there imagining my husband gently tucking in our six year old daughter and four year old son for the night. I imagined him waiting up for me to come home, because he never goes to bed until he knows I am safely home.

My mind replayed scenes from the past nine years of  life with the man inside our home, an imperfect man who had loved me deeply. Yet here I was, sitting alone in the dark of the night contemplating the idea of giving up, of walking away from it all for good.

I look back at that night often and wonder what could bring a person to a place of walking away from everything that is good in life in effort to pursue what they honestly believe at the time to be a better life with someone different.

With someone else.

That was the tragic night in which months of unfiltered thoughts, under the table flirtation, late night chats, and hiding it all, ultimately culminated in giving myself away to a man who had never promised his heart to me.

 

night-driving-06-0312-lgn-9258As I drove to meet “the other man” earlier that night to just sit and talk, there was a part of me that knew it was all so wrong.  The thing is, somewhere along the way, I had stopped caring; stopped listening to that still small voice inside, gently nudging me towards truth. I just knew that I wanted what I wanted. After all, it was my time to make myself happy, to have a little fun, and find my own escape from the pressures of life for a while. While I genuinely believed it was possible to entertain an evening with a man who wasn’t my own to just sit and enjoy one another’s company, I was dead wrong.

It is impossible to play around with fire and think you are above getting burned. I had believed I was. I had believed that my own goodness and strength was enough, that I could never go down like that.

The truth is, I gave away much more than time and attention in the back of a truck on that December night. What began as something that almost seemed innocent, gave way to something that would threaten to ruin my life in every way possible for a person to be wrecked. I gave away parts of myself that had only, should only ever be for the one man who had given me his name those nine years ago. And yet, his name was no longer the only one spoken on my lips. 

7c167051910d25b2e1715d6319204f26The next days of my life would prove to be a collision of intoxicated emotion and hellish reality. I was falling and wrestling. Falling further and deeper into an unfamiliar forbidden realm, while wrestling with myself and everything, everyone that opposed what everything in my flesh so desperately wanted.

I wanted to go and I wanted to stay. 

Somehow I began to convince myself that I could have both and that maybe I should, that I could actually live smack dab in the midst of two worlds and make it work. I told myself I could continue to do all the things that I should do, I could have a little fun, and in it all, I could make myself happy.

What I would eventually come to realize is that it is not possible to live a lie and live happy. That truth and darkness cannot co-exist. 

I couldn’t take back any of what had already been done. It was done. There was no going back and undoing it all. Still, I knew that I had a decision to make. It was staring me down as if my whole life depended on it. I had a choice to make that no one except me could make. 

I was at war with all that was right, but mostly I was at war with myself.

I desperately needed to face the truth, the truth that my marriage wasn’t the fairytale I had believed it would be, and that I was more broken than I had ever believed I could be.

Either way, the story of our marriage and my life was becoming more scandalous by the day.

I had some pivotal decisions to make. What would I do? Which life would I choose? And how would he respond if he knew the truth?

(to be continued in part 2)

{Disclaimer: Every word of our true story was read, and fully approved by my husband Anthony. Also, the names of any other persons involved will not be shared to protect their identity and reputation. Anthony and I have both entered into this with much thought and prayer, and we know that there is good reason to share our story so that others will be free to share their own story, and still so that others may find hope and healing in the midst of their own storms. Our own small story doesn’t really matter all that much, but we know that the scandal of grace will always be a story worth telling.} 

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14 thoughts on “The Scandal Of Grace {The Affair}

    1. Thank you Greta. If I’m honest, it is scary. But I know our story serves a purpose beyond the failure and the pain. Thank you for reading and for your kind words. ❤️

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  1. Oh brave one, I am so thankful your marriage is restored, your testimony is covered in grace and that I have the honor of knowing you. I have always loved your transparency and openness – as we have shown one another through the years. I am proud of you for using this to bring glory to the Faithful One. ❤️

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    1. Thank you Lisa. Your support and encouragement means more than you know. I’m so blessed to have a friend that I can be 100% transparent with and you will be honest with and love me anyways. You always speak truth in love into my life. Thank you for walking this road with me dear friend. ❤️

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  2. My friend, yours is a timeless tale of redemption, beautifully written here, but more importantly, authentically lived out. You and Anthony have walked through the fire to forge something so strong and precious between you. And it shows. ❤️

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  3. A testimate to the healing powers of God and His desire to reconcile all relationships. He is allowed to be the center. I have envied (in a good way) the relationship you have with your husband. For me knowing that your marriage was fractured in such a profound way and emerged from that gives hope. Hope that can only be found with God centered. This should be encouraging for all married couples who are struggling should they decide to accept Gods grace,reach out to Him and forgive each other. It is too late for my marriage but I have always question whether I trusted God enough to repair it or if my lack of faith in the fact that He could heal it kept me from saving my marriage. He is now deseased so I will never know. God Bless

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  4. Pingback: Never Say Never

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