authentic stories

on betrayal, divorce, & healing: Rebecca’s story

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{The main purpose of this blog is to be a place to be authentic and honest with ourselves and with the rest of the world. Now, I realize that is just not everyone’s cup of tea. Some would say it is best to let secrets lie and to keep the dirt of life hidden under the rug. I would have to say, you wouldn’t have to be around here long to know that is definitely not my philosophy on life. I believe that honesty is a path to healing, and that the truth frees us all. 

The story you are about to read is the very candid, real life story of someone very dear to me; my best friend and my sister, Rebecca. Over the last 5 weeks I have walked with her through some of the deepest pain possible for the human heart to endure. I’ve watched her walk through it with the most grace, humility, and an unshakable kind of faith that could only come from above.

Rebecca has written every word herself (no editing from me) and has asked to share with you here in hopes that someone else might find hope and healing in sharing her own pain and how she is finding her way back up to the surface to breathe and live again.

Disclaimer: All of the exact details of her story will not be shared, as they aren’t for the entire world to know. But in sharing her pain, she finds freedom to heal and the rest of us get to see that hope is there to be found.}

 

10592686_10204574607301104_750287614293763892_nThis is Rebecca’s story….

My 25th birthday, 1 month ago today, I was given the most shocking and painful news. My life with whom no matter what, I would go through the thick & thin with changed in an instance. It is bad enough when a stranger or foe betrays you, but when it is someone you believed to be a close and trusted friend, partner, spouse, it is especially hurtful. It had felt like I was taken advantage of, deceived, humiliated, despised, cheated, or stabbed in the back. It came as a surprise. That is why it is so painful. I never have thought or expected to be hurt so badly from someone I thought I could trust. So I am still to this day often left in disbelief and unbelievable pain.

I experienced betrayal that has hit further than I ever thought imaginable. Anyone know how difficult it is to recover from such an experience? The kind of experience that you think the person you thought you could trust, love and count on is no longer the person you believed them to be in a moment. So this is where you began to go on a roller coaster as I did, wondering what happened. Were you just wrong about them all along or did something change? Maybe our relationship changed and so did our loyalty to each other. Maybe something in either or both of our lives had changed and we became insensitive to each other. Or, maybe we both grew apart and in different directions. No matter the case, it was not I who abandoned our covenant. I had remained faithful.

This destruction has left many ruins in its path. It changed everything. Relationships and all those affected will never be the same again. The damage done can be irreparable. Trust is all but lost. Wounds run deep. Anger persists. Hearts are broken. Self-protective walls are built up. Pain is long and lasting. And we wonder…. Can trust ever be given to another? Do these wounds ever heal? Will anger cease to exist? Can hearts be repaired? Will the self-protective walls ever come down? Does the pain ever go away? Not only does betrayal change relationships, it changes individuals. Something happens inside of them. Something has happened inside of me. Yes, I might find it difficult to ever trust again. I might be more guarded and protective of myself for fear of being vulnerable again. I might learn to be more discerning and less naive. My expectations of others may change. I may reflect on my own role and responsibility in the relationship and what went wrong, what I may have done to cause this. I might try to understand, empathize, and forgive. I may be motivated to grow from the experience and learn more about myself.

It was the hardest of emotions for me to overcome, but I finally accepted the fact that it happened and that I had no control over the actions of my spouse. I continually reminded myself that unless I controlled my own actions, I would be bound by my own stubbornness to remain in the anger and resentment stage. The constant dwelling on what happened is what keeps people stuck there. I still continue to have to make the decision to control my own thoughts and move ahead every morning I wake up and every night I lay my head down to sleep. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done especially if you choose to stay focused on God’s plan for your life.

The pain of this is very real and has a significant impact on the lives of all those who have experienced it. It is one of those painful life experiences that have the power to change people’s hearts and lives forever. For this I want you to understand. If you have ever been through marital abandonment, you cannot change what has happened to you or make the pain go away. You need time to grieve and feel angry. You need time to be comforted and encouraged. You also need time to restore your faith in yourself, others and most importantly Jesus Christ. It hurts and there is no fast and easy way to heal from its affects. It takes more than time. It takes a heart that will not harden. It takes a commitment to believe in others again. Relationships can and do change as a result of betrayal; but ultimately, how it changes you are what matters most.

Because of his sin and complete betrayal, my marriage was compromised. Sure, I’m hurt and very angry. I’ve lost that warm, cozy image of the marriage I thought I had or could obtain, and that naturally wounds me deeply. But in another sense, I haven’t lost as much as I may think, because my marriage wasn’t what it appeared to be in the end. My point in all of this? There is a bright silver lining to this dark, billowing cloud. While I may not feel good about what has happened, this event could bring about one of the most hopeful times in my life. The discovery of my husband’s secret sin has revealed the truth state of his covenant with God and I. and now I have the opportunity to experience something real, God’s unconditional love. It is very helpful, viewing the discovery of my husband’s sexual sin as God’s grace in my life. His sexual impropriety has been like a huge life-sucking tumor silently attacking our marriage. But now that I’ve found the cancer, there’s hope. Now I can pray for healing, begin treatment, and seek a life restored and brimming with health.

I now have a choice. So what will I focus on-the pain or the hope? Probably both at first. There will be days when the pain of my husband’s betrayal will overwhelm me, and my anger will drive hope far away. That’s okay. I know God understands, and He won’t condemn me for a lack of faith. He’d rather hug me and draw me near. I Thank God for the revelation and choosing hope for the future have been the first step to my freedom. Sure, my first faltering steps in this direction have been like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to slippery rock, it hasn’t been easy. But as I continue to discipline my heart to the truth and continue to choose to be thankful for what He has done in opening my eyes, my obedience will kick up a breeze of the Spirit’s breath in my life that’ll begin to dissipate the pain.

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God is in charge, He knows what He’s doing in my life, and I can trust that He has not lost control of my circumstances. Not only does God know what He’s doing, His plan for my life reflects both His all-surpassing wisdom and His fathomless love for me. His plan is good and right, and you and I can TRUST Him with the details of our lives.

~ Rebecca Olivia R.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” ~Proverbs 31:25

{We as an entire family have walked through the valley of the shadow a different kind of death over the last few weeks and have learned what it means to fall face first at the foot of the cross. Many are in counseling receiving continued care, including Rebecca, but we have found the most comfort in our faith and in the arms of one another as we deal with the devastation left behind and move forward together. Surely, pain and loss has knits our hearts together in a way that nothing else could have. All of the details are purposefully not included to protect other individuals involved in this story, which is also a serious criminal case. It is important to note that as Christ followers, we believe in forgiveness, and restoration. In this particular case while forgiveness is available, restoration in not. Please be thoughtful, gentle, and considerate before commenting.}

You may contact Rebecca privately at rrpedodds@gmail.com or leave her a comment below and she rill read and respond to them all.

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7 thoughts on “on betrayal, divorce, & healing: Rebecca’s story

  1. Hi Rebecca,
    I am so sorry that you have endured the worst betrayal possible, and that is the betrayal of your spouse. I too have endured that kind of betrayal. My husband of 29 years decided to step outside of our marriage and find comfort in another woman’s arms. I know exactly the hurt and feeling taken advantage of, deceived, humiliated, despised, cheated, and stabbed in the back you are talking about. Mine too came as a surprise. We raised two beautiful children into adulthood and have 3 gorgeous grandchildren, I didn’t see this coming at all. I thought we were going to live our golden years together. But just like you I know that God has a plan, He is in the business of restoring our lives. We will be stronger women because of what we have been through. In the beginning of my separation and even now that I am divorce I find comfort in Psalm 147:3, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”. To this day I say this verse over and over when I feel as if I am not going to make it and then God gently reminds me that I belong to Him and He has got this. My prayers are with you and your family! You will come out a much stronger woman! ( I met your sister Rachel in Charlotte when we went to a concert together)

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  2. Painful to read, and I am thinking of you. Here for you, as usual, if there is a need to further ventilate. You’ve got a gift with words. Hang in there. God’s peace!

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    1. Thank you Allan. Your genuine love and support to our entire family has been invaluable and treasured. Much love to you! Hope to see you soon!

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  3. Hey Rebecca, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I will be praying for you. I, too, had been the victim of marriage betrayal and abandonment. It will take time to overcome the hurt. But I have found the most healing when I was able to forgive. God forgives us for our sins, we can not judge others harsher than He. It wasn’t easy, that is for sure. But with God’s help, someday you will. Your story is beautifully written, and your outlook is wonderful.

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  4. So sorry you are going thru this. I also have been a victim of this ugly sin. I got thru this by the grace of God. He is our strength and refugee. He is my Rock. God Bless you. Praying for you. Thank you for sharing.

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  5. Hi.. My name is Kathy and I’m a high school friend of your moms. I’m so sorry for what has happened. I too am still going through anger and disbelief and incredible amounts of pain after 24 years of marriage to my second husband. I have three children , two of which are with him and his lies and deception have kept me from having any further meaningful relationships. I let my guard down just a little and tried to love again . A similar situation happened again . The wall around my heart is strong.. Very strong. Maybe someday I can love again. It’s been almost 4 years… I hope you find what your parents have and if not be happy with who you are . God will always love you

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