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Desperate

I have never been this hungry before
I have never been this thirsy, Lord.
Like a dessert on a dry day, with the heat beating down my back
So my soul, is after you
After you.

So I lift my hands to your rain, falling on me
Let it pour it down my dry throat, refreshing my soul
In a dry and weary land where there is no water
So my soul, Is after you
So my soul, Is after you Lord.
So my soul.

I’m hungry for you
So thirsty for you
I’ve searched all my life for you
You are everything to me.

How we need your rain Lord
How this land is thirsty and dry
Hear the cry of my heart Lord
I’ve searched all my life for you
You’re all I’m living for
And I’m nothing without you
Nothing without your presence
My heart is beating for you.

So my soul
Is after you.
- Jessie Rogers

I didn’t write the above words, but It is my absolute favorite song for my private time of worship alone with God. OH. MY. WORD there is not even a way to describe what these words mean to me. It’s just like the writer took my heart for God, poured it out on a table and wrote a song with words to describe it’s contents.

There is this fire inside me that I barely know how to describe. Never at any time in my life have I felt so incredibly desperate and in need of more of my God. Desperate to know His heart intimately, to stay in His presence, and to live under His anointing. Because I am realizing more and more, that without those things, I am nothing on my own.

There isn’t a pleasure, or thing in this world worth losing what I have found in Him. There’s nothing that could persuade me to give up this kind of freedom. This kind of passion. This kind of love. This kind of fulfillment and joy. I have found an anchor for my soul.

I’m finding that desperation will change you. It crushes all of who WE are out of the way so that we can reflect more of who HE is. Sometimes it takes us to places that make us uncomfortable. And causes us to face things in our lives and about ourselves that are downright confusing and painful.

Places and circumstances in which things in our lives that have been keeping our attention off of Him get weeded away. When I feel as those I’m being stripped of everything that I believed was rightfully mine, it is so that He can show me who I am IN HIM and reclothe me in HIS righteous. So that the robes of my life are not my own anymore, they belong to Him. Therefore HE gets all of the glory. Not me.

More than my desire to be accepted, qualified and honored by men, is my simple desire for my whole life to be a pleasing aroma to my Creator. Why? Well for starters He loves me so much that he called me and set me apart in my mother’s womb for such a time as this. He rescued me from so many things I can’t even name them all here, redeemed me, healed me from my wounds, finds me worthy enough to pour out His annointing on me, sings love songs over my whole life and calls me His bride…….and now, He just wants to use my life to return all the glory to Him.

He has totally and completely captured every fiber of my heart and soul. Everything I am. Everything I can do. Everything I will be. It’s all His to do with it as He pleases. I don’t care anymore. I’m done fighting things I do not understand, and are not mine to figure out.

I surrender.
To everything God.
Cause I’m just THAT desperate.

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Truth

WARNING: This post is extremely random and transparent. If you’re bored easily, or just plain out judgmental, you should probably exit now. :)

It has been said that the truth will set you free. However, many times, truth is uncomfortable. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it’s sobering. And yet, sometimes it just feels good to stop grinning like a possum and just TELL THE TRUTH. So since this is my blog and truth happens to be what my blog is all about, here’s the truth of my life right now, take it or leave it.

  • Truth. I’d really love an entire weekend alone with my husband. Just two days would do.
  • Truth. More than ever, I’ve realized just how much Anthony really is my safe place. And I honestly, honestly can’t wait to see his face at the end of every day.
  • Truth. God sent Anthony into my life 10 years ago to show me His love for me, through Him. He has done just that.
  • Truth. I’m realizing I don’t always know how to receive the amazing amount of love my husband has for me.
  • Truth. I hate fake. I promise I’m not being mushy. He really is THAT good.
  • Truth. My real family all live 15 minutes away, yet they are so far away from me. They do not understand me. I miss them and love them.
  • Truth. I’ve experienced first hand that God always replaces things that were lost when we seek Him first. Especially in relationships. I am grateful to Him beyond words for that.
  • Truth. I have been confused about some things lately.
  • Truth. I’ve been letting things I don’t understand distract me.
  • Truth. I’m learning to take my eyes off of man and keep them only on God. He will not fail or leave me, and His ways are perfect and Holy. I don’t have to doubt Him.
  • Truth. I’ve dealt with rejection alot in my life. And again recently. People can reject and not even mean to. Let me just be honest and say, it is overwhelmingly painful. But God heals.
  • Truth. God NEVER rejects me. Everything I am…..is good enough to Him.
  • Truth. I have let my giftings and talents define who I am all my life. The problem with that is, my gifts and talents are not who I am, they are what I do.
  • Truth. I’ve cried ALOT lately. And not because I am not happy. (there do happen to be a few things I can only share with God and my husband)  ;)
  • Truth. Some morning, very early, I can’t wait to hear the door shut behind my husband because my hurt has been pushing me to get alone and cry out to God and we’ve been having the most intimate times together, just Him and I. He’s healing me.
  • Truth. I refuse to let myself be lukewarm.
  • Truth. The above truth may make me extremely unpopular and culturally irrelevant to the rest of the world. I really don’t care. My husband thinks I’m hot!!!
  • Truth. My worship and use of talent is not dependent upon anyone or anything else around me.
  • Truth. God is doing a new thing. In many ways. Even in me.
  • Truth. The most amazing thing God did in my life in 2009 and for the rest of my life was to send me an AMAZING mentor and spiritual momma who pours into me so unselfishly.
  • Truth. He’s been calling me to just be faithful.
  • Truth. I am extremely proud of my husband and the passion I see for the ministry he just stepped into.
  • Truth. I know I am called to be by his side in it. I won’t just sit back and watch from the sidelines.
  • Truth. Jackson drove me NUTS today and couldn’t wait to drop him off at Giggles for some me time.   :)
  • Truth. I hate feeling used and am practicing using the word NO.
  • Truth. I’ve felt a bit reclusive lately. Not exactly a bad thing.
  • Truth. I know I’m a bit odd and different. I think God meant to make me that way, so I should probably stop fighting it.
  • Truth. I wasn’t made to “fit in”.
  • Truth. I twitter alot and I know that annoys alot of people. SO UNFOLLOW ME!
  • Truth. I talk about God alot and I know that annoys alot of people. SO UNFOLLOW ME and don’t ask me to coffee.
  • Truth. I am extremely passionate about my Jesus. If that’s annoying. Get over it. I CAN’T HELP IT. You have NO idea what He’s rescued me from. I should be insane right now and on all kinds of pills just so I could function. So stop judging. Everybody is passionate about something.
  • Truth. I really have no motivation to exercise and hate working out lately, even though I wanta be in shape.
  • Truth. I really could name about 100 more things but I’ll stop here for now.
  • Truth. I love you. I really do.

WOW! That was so…….FREEING. Now – what’s YOUR truth?

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Facing My Greatest Fears: Truth Tuesday

For the most part I would say I’m a pretty fearless girl. I mean, I don’t have any wierd phobias like snakes, water, flying, or heights as many do. However, what I do have are hidden fears that no one else sees.  But when I stare them in the face, they are huge. And they scare me – really bad. I didn’t realize them for a while until I recognized that the first one was like this huge giant I was coming face to face with over and over in almost every area of my life. I realized that I can never defeat it because I am too busy running from it, to face it.

So here goes. My two greatest fears are:                                            

  1. Fear of failure
  2. Fear of someone close to me dying

My first fear, I have come face to face with over and over in my 26 years of life. It has definitely become my old familiar friend. It keeps me from doing things I know I should do for fear I won’t succeed. It keeps me from trying things unless I think I can achieve them with perfection.

I can’t even tell you how many times others have asked me to do things, even things within my giftings, and my answer to them was -no. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because in my mind, I would rather not do anything at all than to do it and fail even just a little.

 I know how bad this is. It’s a problem. I know that it keeps me from growing and learning from my mistakes and failures. Nonetheless, it’s still something I struggle with and I’m asking God to help me in this area because I know I can’t change it on my own. Sometimes I set the bar for myself so rediculously high that I quit before I even get started. I’ve got to change this. It’s holding me back. Alot. And I’m so sick of it!

I don’t have as much experience with my second fear because oddly enough, it is one I have yet to face. And yet the thought of  it gives me like an internal anxiety attack. It’s really amazing that I’ve managed to live 26 years without knowing what it feels like to lose someone close to me. I know how blessed I’ve been in that way. I mean, I still have both sets of grandparents, and one set of great-grandparents. People around me seem to live forever.   :)  

 This is just one example: I am VERY close to my grandparents. I have spent alot of time with them since I was a baby and I still go stay with them often. However, age is really beginning to take a toll on their bodies and I’ve seen them begin to go downhill rapidly over the past couple years or so. As I watch them lose ability to do everything things that most of us take for granted; inside my heart gets heavy. Part of it is selfish though. I’m sad for them, but to be honest, mostly I’m sad for me.

In my mind and heart they are still exactly who they were when I was seven. They are the arms full of love and I ran into. The grandma full of energy who’d take me shopping with me until we dropped. The ones who rarely missed an event I had.  That’s how I want them to say. But now what I see with my eyes are see  feeble bodies bent over, and the pain they live in from poor health.  I feel them begin to lean on Anthony and I for basic tasks and I am reminded over and over that my time with ones I adore is very limited.

And although my mind knows this, my heart refuses to accept it. It’s like I just can’t go there. And so, worst than anything in life, I dread it. I fear it. Tremendously. I’m one of those type of people that I can handle most anything as long as I have time to mentally prepare myself for it. But this is different. I can’t seem to fathom how I’ll be able to deal with death when it comes.

But I cling fast to this hope I know. His grace IS sufficient for me. It always has been. And I know that it will be even on the days when it’s time to face my greatest fears face to face.

And I know that with my first fear, it’s time to stop fearing it, and face it. I’m sick and tired of it controlling me and holding me back.

 

How about you? What do you fear? How do you deal with it?

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It’s Time For A Heart Laxative

During my recent 21 day fast I had purposed from the very first day to let God do surgery on me. I asked Him to search my heart, soul and mind and reveal to me anything that had snuck into my life through the back door. You do know that’s how the devil works on those of us who truly desire to live lives that please God. He doesn’t necessarily come to us with blatant, outright sin. He gets his first foot in the door of our hearts with things like

  • Unforgiveness
  • Bitterness
  • Resentment
  • Anger
  • Jealousy
  • Gossip
  • Apathy
  • Lukewarmness
  • Envy
  • Greed
  • Pride
  • Overcommitment
  • People Pleasing

And then, next thing you know, the enemy has free reign to infiltrate our mind, heart, and spirit with all sorts of filthy lies.

Most of these things are the hidden sins that no one else knows we carry. Many times they stay so hidden that we don’t even know they’re there until they’ve consumed our hearts. I have to admit that a few of these were on the housecleaning list of my soul. For years, some of them have been sitting there, cluttering up my heart, squeezing God out of His rightful place there.

My true desire is to be consumed by God. To give him everything. And yet, He hasn’t had all of my attention. Many times, not even most of it. Why? Because so much of my energy has been spend on harboring these “hidden sins”, that at the end of the day, there wasn’t anything left for Him. Through this fast I’ve discovered, I have been serving the leftovers of my attention and my affection to a holy God.

I’ve asked myself: “What is on my mind from my first thought when I rise, and the last thought before I go to sleep at night”? Because whatever the answer to that question is, that is where my heart and my affection really is.

I believe that some of us, I included, have been IN LOVE with past hurts, failures, losses, (insert yours here)……NOT JESUS. We’re so in love with them, although we say we want to be rid of them; the way we hold on to them tightly, coddle them, constantly bring them up to everyone who will listen all just proves that we really don’t want to let them go at all. They have become a security blanket of sorts. After a while, they become our identity and start to infiltrate every thought, motive, and action.

These  seemingly “small” sins slip past our radar and start to fester and become almost like an impenetrable barrier around us to anything that is truth and good in our lives. They rob us of our joy and replace it with bitterness. They steal away our peace like a thief in the night and replace it with confusion and unrest.

We can be sure that though the little things we harbor seem to lie dormant within us, they are very alive and active. And if God’s people can’t humble ourselves enough to lay ourselves before Him and let Him do open “heart” surgery on us on a regular basis. One day, whatever we’re holding onto, not allowing God to touch, will rear it’s ugly head and do more damage that we could have imagined.

Forget destroying our peace and joy. Now we’re talking about something that seemed so tiny destroying our reputations, relationships, ministries, and destinies.

I don’t know about you, but to me that’s a pretty big deal!

It’s time for the people of God who really want ALL of Him, to lay ourselves down and let the Holy Spirit give us a “heart laxative” and flush all the crap out that we’ve let build up in us. If we could open the hearts of some of us that call ourselves Christians, what we would see would be just disgusting!!!! And that certainly doesn’t leave room for us to have enough of Him to have any power at all.

I don’t want to be just another weak, watered-down, apathetic, powerless Christian.

I want His anointing. I was His power. I want His love.

No “crutch sin” I could hold onto is worth losing those things in my life.

Nothing.

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Our Brokenness, God’s Opportunity

Yesterday, I stood by my husbands side as the leadership for Outreach ministry was transferred over to Him. As I stood there, I reflected on the road he had traveled and the struggles we’ve walked through together and overcome with God’s help. I thought about the time things were such a mess he wondered if God could ever use a broken man like him to minister to a world He loves so much.

As I reflected on many things, I felt so incredibly proud of him. So proud of what I’ve watched God do in him over the last few years. I was there in the long nights when he was so broken all he could do was lay out in the floor and cry out to God. I’ve seen how he has allowed himself to be completely broken and transparent before God and others. I knew his repentant heart and willingness to do whatever it took to repair everything that had been destroyed by sin, and the following determination to allow what the enemy meant to destroy him, our family, and his reputation, to minister to others lives and expose satan’s tactics.

In that moment, I clutched his hand a bit tighter because I couldn’t have been happier to stand by his side holding his hand. And I wanted him to feel my support. Because I know his heart. I know his vision, and how huge and impossible it seems! I know the burden he carries for those people he serves and the compassionate heart God has given him for them.

Just the other week he told me, “Out of all of the ministries God could have given me, I feel most honored that God wants to use me to minister to the broken, forgotten, and alone.”

My pledge to him is simply to be the woman by his side who God uses to propel him further into the ministry He’s been called to than he ever could go otherwise. I don’t ever want to be the kind of woman that holds him back, instead I want to be the one who encourages him when he feels discouraged, holds up his arms when he’s tired, and believes in the vision God gives him and gets behind it with all that I am. I want his heart to trust safely in me, and to be his safe place to land at time when things get tough in life and ministry.

I believe that our brokenness attracts God’s attention. I believe that Anthony’s brokenness has attracted God’s attention. Yesterday reminded me of that. Maybe it’s because when it seems things are irrepairably shattered, God loves to come in and put the pieces back together when no one else thought it could ever happen. (I think He just likes to show off like that.) But only then our lives reflect HIS image and not our own. When we are broken, we are prime candidates for God to use us to minister to others who’s lives are broken and need healing.

Anthony and I have a shattered, yet put back together mirror in our bedroom that he made to remind us both everyday of this very concept. I have to admit, it looks really odd. And people always get a funny face and ask us why in the world we have a shattered mirror in our room. But I’m pretty sure we’ll never get rid of it. It is our visual reminder of what has done for us, and we wouldn’t change a second of it. 

HE saw brokenness as His opportunity. And we are forever grateful.

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Remembering The Day Olivia Changed My Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Olivia,

Five years ago today, you came into my world and changed it forever. Before you, I had been many things. But you made me the best one of them all. I had known many feelings, but you showed me the best feeling of all.

You showed me for the first time that it really is possible to be head over heels in love with someone I had just met. You taught me what it feels like to know I would die for another without thinking twice. You taught me how to be selfless. You showed me what that sweet mother-daugter love feels like. I remember holding you thinking how perfect and beautifully made you were. And wondering about the amazing destiny I knew God had laid out for your life. I remembering wondering what made Him choose me to be your mother.

As I held you and ran my fingers down your soft hair, and pulled you close to smell the sweet smell of your baby skin, I promised myself I would make sure you grew up to know how wonderfully created and loved you are. And the amazing things you were created to do.

On that day, I remember holding you as we fell asleep snuggled up together, unable to wrap my mind around the fact that you were mine to love and raise. I remember feeling sad that I wouldn’t get to keep you forever. But decided right then to embrace every second of time God gave you to your daddy and me to love and shape who you will become until you are big enough to go out on your own one day. I remember wanting so badly to be the kind of mom you deserved. I didn’t really know how to do that then. You have taught me how in so many ways. I’m still learning.

You are without a doubt one of God’s greatest gifts ever to me and I couldn’t be more happy that it was you, who came into our lives on that January day. You changed everything. And words can’t express how big my love, hopes and dreams are for you; my beautiful girl.

Your mommy,

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Protecting The Call – I Quit Blowing My Covering

I have to admit, honoring my husband hasn’t always come naturally or easily for me. Although I have a good father whom I love alot; I did not grow up in a home in which the man of the house was the strong leader. My father is quiet, laid back, and passive. My mother is the one with the strong personality.

I guess I could blame my tendancy to “take over” and overstep the man that God has put over me on that. But that doesn’t really work. When I received Christ He gave me a brand new spirit which means He has given me the power through His Spirit to overcome my natural tendancies that would lead me down the wrong path.

I spent many of the very early years of our marriage not really understanding the kind of man I have been so blessed to spend the rest of my life with. I viewed him with harsh, critcal eyes many times instead of through the lens of love and appreciation. Now granted, he’s had his faults and issues, as do we all; nevertheless for a long time although I never could deny his heart for God and others, I did not allow myself to really realize his love for me and the man placed by God as authority over me as my husband. And therefore I had rejected his love and covering over me for so many years.

I lacked respect for the man of God he was over me. And when he would ask me to do or not do something, I would totally disregard his requests, seeking only to fulfill my own way and what I thought was best at the time. My attitude and actions were screaming that didn’t trust his leadership. Not because he had proven incapable of leading, but simply because I believed I could lead better. After all, it made sense to me; I am the one with the outgoing, stronger, more direct personality. He is gentle, peaceful, easy going, and quiet.

Years of not listening to his wise counsel in situations, whether big and small resulted in many failures, hurt, and lessons learned the hard way. I was kind of like the children of Israel, I kept having to take the same laps over and over because I wouldn’t listen to my husband.

For me, it took somebody caring about me enough to get real honest with me to help me see I had an issue. It wasn’t long after we came to the church we now call home, that at the end of a Sunday service in which I had exhorted the church during worship, the prophet of the house straight to me afterwards asking that I find my husband and come see him.

A man that I barely knew, and yet in a position I respected, proceeded to tell me that I had a great call on my life, and giftings, and God was going to use me. But FIRST, I was going to have to learn how to come under the authority and spiritual covering of my husband.

WHAT???? To be honest, I felt jolted. What in the heck did that even mean? I had never even considered that issue, much less that I might have a problem with it. I was searching myself for blatant disrespect and couldn’t find it. But upon asking God to search me and asking my husband for his thoughts about it, I learned big time that I had a problem that needed fixing.

Little did I know, that for years I had been blowing my spiritual covering. Limiting the annointing on my life and my availability to be used by God. I’m pretty sure I didn’t totally listen to that man’s advice at the time, or totally understand the importance of heeding his words. I guess I needed a few more “learn the hard way” experiences to convince me that my way wasn’t ever going to work. And that I was NOT the leader in this marriage relationship.

I still don’t always have it all together in this area. But I am aware and desperately willing to keep him my husband his rightful place and myself in mine. Daily, I’m asking God to reveal to me the areas in which my husband isn’t in his proper place in my life. My respect and honor for him can’t ever be dependant on whether or not I feel he deserves it at the time. Anthony adores and loves me more than anything, and shows it. For that alone he deserves my honor. But more than that, I cannot walk powerfully in the call of God on my life if I don’t stay daily underneath His covering.

Putting my husband is his proper place of authority over me isn’t an option if I am to live a life that is honoring to God. I don’t want to mess up my calling and destiny by blowing my covering.

When I honor my husband, I honor God. It’s a spiritual principle that does not lie.

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Qualities Of An Inner Circle Friend

The people we associate with will have a huge impact on our life and whether we admit it or not, it will either be positive or negative. The Word is very clear on associating with the right kinds of people that will influence us in a biblical way.

Pro 13:20 ~ He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Wise people are those with vision, those who have it together, and those who are going places. We cannot associate with people who are lazy, ultra critical, always defeated, who constantly feel the need to trash talk others, are jealous, overly possessive, have continual issues with those in authority over them, etc.

Listen to this example that I pulled from an article recently : I tried to make friends with a gal named Sara once and the relationship turned sour. Both me and Sara made our mistakes, but ultimately Sara was the kind of person that would beat me down, not build me, tell me what I cant do, rather than what I can do, and she was the kind of person that would have brought me down, not lifted me up. So the Lord delivered me from the hands of Sara, and I have disassociated from her.

You know, most of us will at times have people in our lives that seem like they spend all their time criticizing, judging, and finding fault in us. If they are not criticizing us in person, they are gossiping behind our back, and if they are not doing that, they are doing it in their mind, and if not in their mind, they’re probably doing it in their dreams. So it’s no wonder they blow up at us when I make a mistake, or do something that displeases them. If we were the woman caught in adultery in John 8, these people would be the first to throw stones at us. They would because these are the kinds of people that will tear us down, not lift us up.

We should still be kind and friendly to and never snub these people, but we  just can’t afford to include these kinds of people in our inner circles, because in doing so we will eventually become just like them.

The second half of Proverbs 13:20 made clear as it says that a companion of fools suffers harm. I am aware that finding quality biblical friends, can take time and to be honest, it’s always possible. There will always be far more negative people, than positive. But it’s not the quantity of your friends that matters, but the quality. It’s always better to have one good biblical friend that is wise, and holds to the Lord, than 20 bad friends. And better to fly alone than to have even 1 bad friend.

Think about this illustration my spiritual momma told me:

Birds travel in-groups, but Eagles travel alone.

Would you rather have an eagle or a bird as a friend?

In psychology there is a term called “The Law of the Group” which basically means that when we enter a social situation, we often associate with the people we see ourselves like. For example, if we go to college or seminary for the first time, we will select our friends like ourselves.

People with Godly qualities will eventually rub off on you. Sometimes it’s important to choose a friend that is older than you and have them be your mentor. The best biblical example of this would be Elijah and Elisha. We first learn of Elisha in 1 Kings 19. God tells Elijah in verse 16 that Elisha will succeed him as prophet. Elisha later gives up all he had to be with Elijah. During the time the two had together, Elijah was training Elisha to succeed him as prophet. Elisha may not have been the best mentee for Elijah, but he was dedicated to the cause. We see in 2 Kings 2 that Elijah tried many times to get rid of him, but Elisha was dedicated to Elijah and refused to leave him. After Elijah finally gets taken up to heaven, Elisha takes over as prophet and performs twice as many miracles as Elijah did. So you see this is yet a perfect example for us on how to choose wise, disciplined, biblical friends and mentors to help us grow wise and become more like Christ.

Lately I have been reminding myself of just how important it is to find biblical friends that will build me up, not tear me down. To find friends that will tell me what I CAN do, not what I CAN’T do. Remembering that bad friends corrupts good character (1 Cor 15:33), and to listen to the wisdom of Prov 13:20, and choose wise people as friends.

Here’s some ways I’m examining relationships I allow to be part of my inner circle:

1. Do I want to be like this person?

2. Do they have a vision for their life?

3. Are they lukewarm?

4. Do they have the biblical qualities of Christ?

5. If I am hanging around bad influences, am I influencing them, or am I being influenced?

This subject is a HUGE part of protecting the call of God on our lives and letting nothing and NO ONE stand in the way of the fulfillment of it! it’s just that important.

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Protecting The Call – Our Inner Circle

Lately, I’ve been seeing with greater clarity the calling God placed on my life since before I was born. Along with that, He’s begun strategically placing people of amazing spiritual authority and integrity in my life to pour into, mentor, hold me accountable, and ultimately to point me back to Him when I start to lose focus of the call.

You know, God doesn’t usually come to us with clashes of thunder, lighting, and a roaring voice. If He speaks to you that way, I’d love to meet you. I believe speaks to us in many ways. But I think He speaks the loudest through His Word and through people.

I have found that there are several things we are all surrounded with that have the most impact on who we are and who we become. But WE have the choice of which ones to entertain and which ones to walk away from.

1. What we allow into our lives by way of some of our senses:
– Eyegate
– What and who we listen to (whether in the form of music or words)

2. Letting ourselves be ruled by our emotions and how we feel at any given time instead of by the truth of His Word that never changes. (especially us women with crazy hormones)

3. Allowing subtle sins that no one else knows about, and sometimes we even miss ourselves to open a tiny doorway into our lives for the enemy to come in and rob of of our relationships, character, morality, family, minstries, and ultimately our destiny and calling.

3. The people we allow into our inner circle.

The last one is a biggy. I used to not think so. I’ve come to learn differently.

I am a very social person and love being one on one with people. And so I would naturally tend to hang out with just about anyone who wanted to hang. Especially if they like to talk, drink coffee, shop, or hang out it bookstores. :)

However, I’ve learned that what is important is not the number of friendships I have, it’s the quality of those friendships and the kind of people they are with.

There are several type of relationships that most of us have.

1. Complete strangers whom we should be kind to and show the love of God too.
1. Casual acquaintances that we wave “HI” and entertain small talk with, but don’t really know on a personal level.
2. Family – Which we all have, good and bad, like it or not. – We love them anyway because they’re family.
3. People placed by God in authority over us
4. Our inner circle

Out of all of these, our inner circle is the one that we have the most choice in. And oddly enough, is the one of highest importance when it comes to influencing who and what we are.

This realization has brought me to the place where I am learning to take much more seriously and choose with caution and wisdom the people that I “do life with.” The people that I allow in and want in my inner circle.

to be contined……..
Tomorrow – “Qualities of an inner circle friend.”

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Day 2 of the new me- Truth Tuesday: Lukewarm Will Never Do

Before January first came around this year, I felt being pulled to lay aside anything that could be a distraction in my life. Instead of giving my attention and energy to unimportant little things that can be nothing but timewasters if we let them, I have been purposefully taking time to get still and quiet so that I can really hear from God.

He speaks to me the loudest through His Word, books, music, and quiet time alone with Him in nature. He’s been putting His finger on a some things in my personal life that have been holding me back from closest intimacy with Him, and from achieving the things He created me to achieve in both the secular and church world.

Lukewarmness is yet again one of the areas He’s shown me has creeped into my life. And it’s a HUGE problem. His Word says it doesn’t just bother Him, it makes Him want to spew even His own people out of His mouth. That is a such a harsh reality to admit I could be one of those He’s refering to in Reveletion 3:16 when He plainly says: “So, because you are lukewarm–neither hot nor cold–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

There’s no wondering what He meant in that verse. So, yesterday, I really got nailed with one of my own blogs I had written back in March of 2008. Here’s how it read:

“It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow-hearted prosperity.”

I read this quote at the beginning chapter of “Profile of The Lukewarm” in the book “Crazy Love” the other night and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Here are some thoughts that what I read caused me to ponder in my own life. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself in some of these too:

  • Has my relationship with God actually changed the way I live?
  • Am I satisfied with being “good enough” or looking good in comparison to others?
  • Am I more concerned with having a balanced life that I can control and that is safe? Or am I willing to be uncomfortable or even suffer for the cause of Christ?
  • Am I totally in love and obsessed with Jesus? Or do the words, half-hearted, lukewarm, or partially committed fit better?
  • Am I serving left overs to a holy God? Leftovers of my time, energy, money, worship, ect.
  • Am I willing to make changes and decisions in my life that seem totally senseless and even irresponsible to others around me, maybe even family members to follow Christ?
  • Am I filling myself up with other things and then giving what’s left to God?
  • Am I a crazy in love, passionate, our of my mind follower of Christ? Or am I just a good person that believes in and has accepted Christ, and goes to church on Sundays to fulfill a moral and spiritual obligation to ease my own conscience, and not tick God off?
  • Do I long for the next time I can spend time in the presence of God? Or do I see it as a chore or an obligation to fulfill to read a few chapters here and there when I can find the extra time?
  • Have I bought into the lie than unless I am actively pursuing God and following Him, I’m not really being swept downstream at breakneck speed?

We are on a never-ending downward escalator. In order to grow, we have to turn around and sprint up the escalator, putting up with perturbed looks from everyone else who is gradually moving downward. If we’re not constantly growing, evolving and changing, we’re dying. There is no middle ground. There is no place for lukewarm when we call ourselves followers of Christ.

Revelation 3:15-18 says; I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm- neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, “I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.” But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

That pretty much means that there is really no such thing as a true follower of Christ that is lukewarm. Those kinds of religious wantabees”, are even more abhorrent to God than the worst of sinners. Basically, lukewarm “Christians” make God want to the throw up. And I don’t think people that make God want to throw up will be welcome at God’s banqueting table, spending the rest of eternity with Him.

The raw reality of this is, I believe there will be alot of people that “got their fire insurance” and had an emotional experience one time when they were 12 by making a profession of faith, that will simply be shocked when they open their eyes one day and the gates before them aren’t the pearly ones, and St. Peter isn’t the one inviting them in to the joy of their Lord.

You either do or don’t serve a God that wants all or nothing. Quite frankly doesn’t NEED any of us. And certainly doesn’t need our leftovers.

It’s time for the church (yes, I said the church) to stop standing in the way of the message and the power of the gospel by parading around in our lukewarmness and allowing HIS message of salvation to be watered down by our attempts to never be seen as the “religious crowd”.

If we can’t burn for God, then for the sake of all that is holy and upright, we need to sit down and shut up with our lukewarm, stagnated, stinking selves or we need to repent before a righteous God and relight our torch so it can burn HOT for Him, without compromise.

Because lukewarm will just never do.
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So after reading this post over and over again, my own spirit cringes from the rawness of truth written here. But ya know, all I can say is, It’s tight…..but it’s right. I’m thankful that when I start to let the awful state of lukewarmness and compromise creep back into my own life, I have a daddy who loves me enough to put His finger on it and say, “Get it outa there.” So that I can repent and be nearer to Him again.

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Day 1 of the new me. – Doing What I Was Made To Do

I have decided not to go into 2010 making resolutions yet again. I’m sick of making resolutions, only to fail at keeping them within the first five days into the year. Instead I have determined and challenged myself to go all the way with my life.

This life that is mine is here for such a little time and I am determined to squeeze every last drop of goodness out of it and do it with gusto. If I can’t be who I am, do what I do, and believe what I believe passionately, I don’t want to do anything at all. I can’t straddle the fence in some areas any longer. I can’t keep making excuses for not doing things that I know that I’m called to do. Or continuing to let others pressure me into doing things, good things, but nevertheless, things that I know I am not called to do. Or for allowing things to remain in my life that I’ve known for a long time they really need to go.

I have to stop letting what I think people might say or think about who I am, and things I do and say stop me from being who I know I am called to be. I’m tired of caring what people think. I just am. It’s absolutely exhausting.

I’ve always felt different. Even when I was a little girl. I rarely, if ever, felt like I fit in with the other kids. I was ALWAYS the youngest kid in the room, but someone always felt older. Many times, I still feel that way. Most people don’t even realize it, but all my life I’ve struggled with it. There are times when I just want to act like everyone else. Do what everyone else is doing, and not think twice about it. But – I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t even know how to explain it.

Recently, God has been showing me that I AM different in so many ways because He made me that way on purpose. He’s been showing me that I need to stop fighting it and embrace being a different kind of girl. He has set me apart. For HIS purposes, not mine. He created me to think deeply, and see beyond the surface, and therefore I know that some might think I take myself and life itself way too seriously.

This fact alone has caused me to constantly second guess myself in many areas. Especially in the area of writing. It has caused me to erase countless blog posts and songs I’ve written, that now I would give anything to have back. Because what came out was real. It was truth. And I threw it all away all because what someone else might think. Silly I know. Nonetheless, it’s the truth.

I can’t go through life like that. God has been nudging me for some time now, and has recently confirmed it over and over through others that He has given me a voice through writing, and He meant for me to use it. He wants me to write. It’s what I love. And I am passionate about Him. He wants me to mix the two and sit back and watch what He will do through it.

I can’t wait. I won’t be doing it to please others or even myself. I’ll be doing it for Him. This is just one of my assignments. It deserves to be done with nothing less than passion.

And so, letting go of thoughts of what anyone but God might think about what I have to say; I will write for the one I love the most. And maybe, just maybe, it will speak to someone else in the process…………

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Spiritual Masturbation

We follow Christ with everything in us. And so we say we want to reach out and love the lost, hurting, and broken. So, we do. We love them, we do random acts of kindness. We find a few people to take under our wing and “disciple”. We pour out our money, time, and attention on them hoping; so we say, to show them Christ’s love and make a difference in their lives. We invest in them claiming to wish for nothing in return. Simply to GIVE love away freely and love them like Jesus.

AND THEN…. we find out we gave to someone financially who was only in it to take advantage of us. AND WE GET MAD and suddenly wish we could just take it all back. 

Or we spend hours upon hours couseling and praying with someone who had reached out to us claiming they wanted to change their life. Only to find out weeks later they went right back to their old ways or even worst. AND WISH WE HADN’T WASTED SO MUCH OF OUR TIME on someone who obviously wasn’t ever gonna be anything more than a loser anyway, and felt that it’s just their own fault.

Or we take someone out to coffee with a guise that we simply care about them, but were secretly just in it to get them to come visit our church because we’re sure that will FIX them. Only to watch them turn down opportunity after opportunity to attend, and suddenly our contact with them ends. On our end.

We get asked to minister at an event and we go without hesitation. We go to pour ourselves out. Our talents, our gifts, our prayers. And no one shows up. Or we leave the event without pay. AND  WE WISH WE HAD JUST STAYED HOME AND NOT BOTHERED.

Someone asks us to mentor them. So we pour oourselves out full steam ahead, and then start to realize they don’t really want to change. They just need someone to tell their problems to. And next thing you know, we STOP ANSWERING THEIR PHONE CALLS AND RESPONDING TO EMAILS.

WE CUT THEM OFF.

One day there was a total outpouring of “love”. The next, we have nothing to do with them. It’s over.

And we are left with all of these people who who’s arms are still reached out for us to grab, and WE HAVE LET GO.

WHY?

Because we weren’t really ever in it for them. We were really in it for some sort of  personal “religious gratification”. So everyone could look at us and say, “Wow. Look what they DID for all those people in need.”

We were never really in to meet the needs of the other person. Only for our own selfish ego to be satisfied.

It’s nothing more than SPIRITUAL MASTURBATION.

And I have been guilty of it at times.

And to a world that is lost, hurting, and in need of REAL love. The kind of love that fulfills and satisfies, hoping for nothing in return,

I AM SORRY for using you.

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Christmas Letter To My Love

letter

I am writing you this letter because even though you’re really busy because you’re the God of the universe and all. Still I know that you read every single one of my blog posts. Why? Because I’m your girl and you’re interested in every single part of me. You just love me like that. That thought just makes me smile big.

Anyway. I know things are crazy busy this time of year. Everyone, including me is rushing to holiday events and holiday parties. We are all busy preparing meals, baking cookies, making gingerbread houses,  hanging lights, putting up tress, making lists, buying, wrapping, and receiving all kinds of rediculous gifts.

The Christmas season, your season, is actually nothing like you at all. You are quiet, gentle, and soft. Yet we have filled it with the jingle of bells, the laughter of children, the noise of parties and celebrations, and the relentless melodies of holiday tunes everywhere.

But at the end of the day, when the noise of every December day has been silenced by a sleeping world. We are left with only silence, the soft twinkle of the lights on our trees, and thoughts of who all this is really supposed to be about.

So if you will just humor our humanity and our simple, and maybe a little foolish expressions of Christmas. And know that amidst it all, many of us still understand that all of this is really just one big celebration not of a baby in a manger, but of the Creator and King of the universe that came down to earth to rescue us from ourselves.

And even though you came just like a winter’s snow. Quiet, and soft, and slow. We want you to know, 

We hear you 

we see you

we feel you

we remember you

we honor you

And we celebrate you.

With ALL of my love and everthing I am,

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The Littleist Scrooge

jackson cutting ornament

I keep walking in to catch Jackson cutting strings off the Christmas tree ornaments. I can’t even count how many of those things he has cut off despite getting punished over and over for it. It’s become like a compulsion for him.

I’m starting to wonder if he just doesn’t want there to be any ornaments on the tree at all. Little scrooge!

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Little Christmas Wishes For Santa

santa 2009 023

Last night we took Olivia & Jackson to see Santa and tell him what they want for Christmas so that he could make sure his elves have plenty of time to make their toys they ask him for. It was the first year they were both happy to sit in his lap and tell him their Christmas wishes instead of breaking out in tears at the sight of him.

Olivia asked Santa for a guitar, a toy pony, and a dress up barbie. Jackson asked for a spiderman fishing pole and told him he didn’t want anything else. Just a fishing pole.

Soooooooo, I guess we’ll see if Santa brings them what they asked for this year. Or if the elf on the shelf gave Santa too many reports of naughtiness.

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Some Battles Aren’t Worth Fighting

Olivia

 

This is what happens when I decide it doesn’t matter how Olivia chooses to dress herself.

When her Daddy went to pick her up from Giggles yesterday he told her to go take her costume off.

I can just see the look on his face when one of the teachers told him it wasn’t a costume it was what she wore in.

Hey, I’m figuring out real fast that some battles just aren’t worth fighting. And this was just another one of them.

Maybe I’m just in denial because I’m her mom, but I choose to believe maybe she’s just a fashion trendsetter. What? Isn’t this look in?

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Giving Love Away

scovia akelloThis Christmas, we would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family. 

Her name is Scovia. She is from Uganda, Africa. Scovia is 11 years old and her parents died when she was very small. Scovia’s grandmother was doing her best to raise her when their village was ravaged by war and rebels who destoyed even the little they had. Scovia was given a miracle to come to the orphan village founded by Jackson Senyonga of Christian Life Ministries. Even still she needed someone to pay for her food, housing, and schooling.

About three months ago, our family was so blessed to become Scovia’s sponsor family. We can’t see and hug her everyday. But everyday we do get to be a vital part of who this beautiful young girl is becoming by praying over her life, writing her, encouraging and loving her, and making it possible for her to be fed, housed, and schooled.

Scovia now goes to school and says she hopes to become a doctor or a pastor. And WE get to be a part of her life and every person her life touches!!!

One of the things I really love about this, is the opportunity it’s given us to teach our other two children to love and see beyond their own little world. And to learn to give even when it feels like they receive nothing in return. To learn that some rewards are not seen on earth, but are eternal. And because we have been richly blessed, we should bless others. That isn’t just being a good person or citizen, it’s having a heart like our Father’s.

Our kids know that Scovia is their big sister with darker skin. Olivia especially looks at her picture hanging on the refrigerator and asks all the time why Scovia can’t come to our home and play with her, or why we can’t go see her. I explain to her that Scovia lives very very far away in her own home. But secretly I dream of the four of us going to see her someday. Jackson, after a fight with his sister, has already asked to give Olivia away to another family and get Scovia to come be his new sister.  ;)

I want my children to know that life itself, including the Holiday season isn’t about how much stuff we can get for ourselves. Life is really about how much we can give away.

This Christmas season, I encourage everyone who reads this to take time away from the hustle and bustle of this season and find at least one way to reach outside of your own little world and give love away. It doesn’t have to be huge.

Find small ways to make someone feel special. Call or write someone randomly and leave them a kind, encouraging message. Sincerely forgive someone who’s hurt you. Put a smile on someone’s face. Buy a cup of coffee for the person behind you. Embrace someone who’s hurting. Listen to someone tell you their troubles.

Because we can all make a difference in our world.

One act of giving love away at a time.

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Elf On The Shelf

This year I heard about a cute little Christmas tradition that I really wanted to implement into our family’s Christmas traditions. At least for as long as we can get away with it. It’s called, Elf On The Shelf. Click on the title to find out all about the tradition and how it works.
rachel's iphone pictures 2009 693
All I know is, Dec. 1st our kids awoke to none other than their own little elf (that they named Sugar) stuck right in the Christmas tree waving at them. Since that morning they have awoken to find him in other various places. They even found him stuck in the blinds one morning from where he was obviously attemping to get back in the house from flying to the North Pole the night before while they were asleep to report their behavior to Santa.  ;)

I’d have to say I rather enjoy the little elf being around our place. I’ve heard the kids threatening each other with telling the elf on the other if they don’t stop and I can’t help but chuckle inside.

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First Gingerbread House

rachel's iphone pictures 2009 778Today, Jackson, Olivia and I made our first ever gingerbread house. It fell apart twice and the icing kept running. But all in all I’d say it was a success. It turned out cute, the kids had fun eating the candy that fell on the floor and I had, well, a much needed lesson in patience and creativity.

rachel's iphone pictures 2009 752

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I Receive

with arms wide open Healing, truth, revelation, freedom, and transformation is all inside and around me.

There has been nothing more to say.

I only know that you have done away with the girl I was. You have replaced the lies with truth. You have removed the shackles that once bound me. And made me to walk in freedom.

To all that you are doing in me I say Amen God. I receive your work of love in me.

I have tasted and seen that you are good. Now nothing else can quench this passionate fire that burns for you and you alone.

With my whole life I worship you because you have not left me fatherless and orphaned.
Ever present with me is your Spirit- and in you my soul has found a refuge, a safe harbor, a hiding place.

I choose to walk the path of freedom found only in you.
I choose life and not death. I choose light over darkness.

With open arms God I receive all that you are.
All that is good and righteous.
All that is Holy and perfect.

All that you have for my life. I receive.

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  • Our Story
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  • Meet the family

    My husband, the love of my life

    Find out more about him here.

    Olivia Faith

    Age: 4 1/2
    Likes: Dancing, playing dress-up, bossing her little brother, and doing crafts.

    Doesn't Like: The Grinch, cleaning up her messes, being left alone, naptime & bedtime.

    Jackson Paul

    Age: 3
    Likes:
    Making HUGE messes, dinosaurs, tractors, sucking his finger, sugar, the park.

    Doesn't like: Sharing, not getting his way, eating foods that are good for him, and standing in the corner.
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